The result has been an explosion of books, whitepapers, and advice on how to reduce loneliness, all with a well-intended refrain: “Connect more.” The result is that we’ve shifted the burden to individuals to solve their own loneliness by encouraging them to reengage with others, put themselves out there, or get involved in their communities.
We’re more connected than ever, but we’re increasingly lonely. What have we missed?
In other words, the opposite of loneliness is not having more people around you but feeling significant to those around you—feeling truly seen, heard, and valued. Loneliness isn’t a result of a lack of social contact; it’s a result of a lack of perceived social value to others.
For example, a connection of mine recently moved to another country. When I asked what it was like, she said, “I actually feel welcomed everywhere and included in conversations. I’ve made a lot of new friends, but just feel invisible, like no one really sees or knows me.”
We’ve all had that uneasy feeling of sitting in a room full of people, maybe even friends, and realizing that no one truly sees or knows us.
We aren’t facing a “loneliness epidemic.” We’re facing a mattering deficit. Too many of us feel overlooked, ignored, and unvalued in our daily interactions.
And that’s actually good news. It means that we’re all partly responsible for the solution to loneliness, beginning with how we show up in our next interaction.
Take a moment and think about when you most feel that you matter to others.
If you’re like the many people we’ve interviewed and surveyed, you’re not thinking about getting a pay increase, an employee-of-the-month award, or a gift from a friend. You’re likely thinking about small instances when someone offered you compassion and support, took the time to truly listen to you, reminded you of your strengths or talents, or told you how much you mean to them.
If we want to start to finally reduce loneliness, start with noticing, affirming, and showing people how they’re needed in your daily interactions. Here’s how to start.
Be a noticer. Noticing is taking an interest in and paying attention to the details, ebbs, and flows of someone else’s life and showing them that you remember them. Noticing starts with acknowledging people. Slow down and learn your delivery driver’s name. Make eye contact and say hello to the hundreds of workers who make daily life possible—from custodians and baristas to construction workers and teachers. If a colleague is out sick, schedule time to check in on how they’re doing and offer support.
As you encounter and engage with people ask deeper questions than “How are you?” or “How’s it going?” and try to ask clear, open, and exploratory questions like, “What has your attention today?” “What’s been most meaningful to you today?” or “What are you struggling with and how can I help?” And make sure to check back in on what you notice about people.
Affirm people. Affirmation shows people how their uniqueness makes a unique difference. It’s different than general appreciation or recognition. Start with saying better “thank yous” by going a step further to name the person’s unique gifts and tell them exactly how they make a difference for you. Everyone gives us four gifts every day: their strengths, their purpose, their perspective, and their wisdom. People who show people how they matter regularly illuminate in others what they don’t see in themselves.
Remind people that they’re needed. Think of someone you rely on in your life or work. When was the last time you told them? Try saying “If it wasn’t for you…” and show them how they add value to your life or work and watch what happens. You’ll see the power of mattering.
There’s an added benefit to showing people how they matter in these ways: You start to see how you matter. It’s a boomerang effect known as the “complementarity principle” in relationships. The more we start noticing, affirming, and showing others how they’re needed, the more they’ll start doing it for us.
And that’s how we’ll tackle loneliness—one moment of mattering at a time.
